Dear Fumi

Dear Fumi, I'm almost 30 and new to the dating world. I focused on myself, self-growth and my education in my 20s. I've started to dip my toes in the dating world by going on dating apps...and I'm a bit conflicted. For starters, currently I can choose filters to see the men that fit my preferences - their education, what they are looking for in a relationship, etc. The reason I'm conflicted is when it gets to the education part I'm not sure. I'm highly educated, I went to graduate school and I have a great job (my dream job in the area that I'm in). When I'm filtering for education - I almost want to put that they should have an undergraduate or graduate degree but then I get this thing in the back of my head that says it is unfair to filter out people who didn't go with these educational routes. Maybe the people who went to college are successful. Maybe they are people who are ambitious and are all the things that I'm looking for. Maybe they will make a high salary. But at the same time, I want someone who is educated and who has a good job like myself. I don't want to have to lower what I am expecting from my ideal partner. When I tell people that I want someone who is either on my level or higher, people make it seem like I'm not being fair to the other men who may not have the same education as me, or the same salary as me. I am leaning towards the opinion that I should take the avenue that is going to guide me closest to where my ideal partner would be. Even if that means excluding men who might be nice and have similar interests to me...but aren't at the educational or career level that I am in. I'm just really confused. I hope you can provide some insight on things. I'm wishing you all the best. God bless.

Hello, so I am in a serious relationship for about 7months. I met my guy in April and within a few weeks he asked me to be official. Over the last few months we’ve only grown in our fondness of one another and continue to look towards the future, since we both agree we are dating for marriage. Recently, we went to a concert with his best friends and also my parents (his idea to invite them ) but I guess he told our group that he thought I was the one and he wants to marry me. (He doesn’t know I know this, since it was said in secret) A big factor for him in his life right now if finances. He’s got himself in a hole with debt. Thankfully he makes good money and just hasn’t taken the initiative to pay it off. Now, i see him making that effort, and I know he’s doing it for himself but also for us and our future. He tells me things like, babe I need to save money I gotta pay my debt, we gotta stay home and can’t go out and about spending money. I appreciate this. I appreciate him being responsible. And he tells me because of me is why he also wants to get himself in a better spot financially. Ok, so. Our leases are up in May and in July. Since the beginning I told him I did not want to live with him or any man unless that man was my husband. As our relationship grows and we are having conversations of our future, we are thinking about us. I’m curious what you think. I have debt too. We could help each other out by moving in together when our leases end and save money and pay off our debts. Put ourself in a better spot so he feels confident to spend money on a ring. Get in a spot to afford a mortgage and take care of me and future kids. Which we’ve discussed each topic and hes expressed his plans. I am just still so nervous of it not working or not benefiting us in the ways we desire. And I’ve talked with him about my fears. We haven’t made any decisions. We both agree we still have time to think about it. I just don’t know if this is what’s best for us really… help

You do an amazing job in pointing out strategies for dating that would bear a partner that holds up to one’s standard. I have a friend who knowingly and consistently engages with men who fall below her self-proclaimed standard. It is hard to discuss things about her romantic pursuits because I disagree with all of them. Despite agreeing with my reasonable case for why this relationship/situationship is not healthy for her, she will continue to give her energy to a man she does not fully want (as expressed by her). I understand the “You can lead a horse to water but cannot force them to drink” philosophy. But how does one proceed to talk/support a friend’s romantics life who willfully goes against her own needs/interest?

Hi Fumi, What do you recommend for women with attachment issues and ending relationships. I find myself absolutely knowing a person is wrong for me and then being devastated when I move forward with ending the relationship or I find myself wavering on my decision and staying in bad relationships. I often question whether my decision was correct. I’d like to trust myself more and leave unhealthy situations with less sadness, less regret, less fear of being alone, and more optimism for the future.

Hey Fumi, I started dating a really great guy. So far he has proven himself to be very trustworthy and open. He has some friends that are girls, and sometimes he hangs out with them (never just one of them alone). He did casually date one of them in the past, he told me before we started dating (and I had met the friends already). I trust him and the friends, but I don't know if these situations warrant boundary to or not? Is this something that is a person to person preference? I'd love to hear your insight!