Dear Fumi | by fumi

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Answers So Far..

Someone asked:

on April 12, 2023 3:23 pm

I have an unrelated question. I grew up in a religious and loving family, and we uphold the standards of no dating around till considering marriage/ready for a serious relationship. I’ve branched really well into my interests, hobbies, and career over time. And I’ve never dated. I didn’t really interact much with guys growing up either (I’ve just never felt the urge to. My female friendships were very fulfilling) but I’m starting to feel ready, and I’m afraid when I do start dating, it’s gonna end up badly and I’m gonna lowball it. Do you have a series of posts explaining how to introduce yourself to the dating world? For beginners? Very inexperienced, very new beginners. And what to strengthen in yourself when dealing with typical characteristics + what to possibly expect? Coaching isn’t something I want to invest in yet and I wanted to ask if you catered to the demographic I mentioned above (if so, can you link example blogs, and posts ?).
Someone asked:

on April 12, 2023 2:15 pm

Hey Fumi, I watched your video on waiting for men who have character and I completely agree. I wanted your input on a particular scenario. If a man is consistently having hookups (at least once every other week) when he is not in a relationship, is that a sign of a man who lacks character and self respect?
Someone asked:

on April 12, 2023 2:14 pm

My boyfriend is struggling with his mental health and in return our relationship is suffering.. should I give him space to regulate his emotions or should I just keep trying to be his happy place as best as I can ?
Someone asked:

on April 12, 2023 1:20 pm

Dear Fumi, I watch your videos all the time, and I’m probably what you would call “lop-sided.” I’m a WoC and due to cultural reasons and background, I spent the majority of my life focusing on academics and career. I’ve had very few serious relationships (age 27, 2 boyfriends, been celibate with exception of one boyfriend). Because my relationships are so few and far between, it takes a lot for me to allow someone into my life, but once I do, I seem to get emotionally invested easily. How do I establish boundaries to prevent myself from getting too attached to men, particularly those that don’t respect me or commit to me the way I need? I’ve tried dating with friendship in mind, but it feels like my last SO becomes my standard to beat because it takes me forever to fall out of love with them/emotionally detach. Any advice on how to be open, but also respect myself and stand on my standards “with ten toes”? Thanks in advance, you’re amazing.
Someone asked:

on April 10, 2023 1:50 pm

My ex was mentally abusive yet he never physically abused or even raised voice at me I am scared that the next person i will be with will abuse me hence I keep avoiding every possible man that comes my way how to get over this fear?
Someone asked:

on April 9, 2023 5:59 pm

Hi Fumi! Firstly, it is so refreshing to watch and hear your content, especially as a fellow Christian Black woman. I’ve seen you mention before some of the opposition you receive due to your values (from both men and women) especially as an advocate for women to raise their standards when dating. As someone who is currently on a spiritual journey and has the same womanist-based values, what is one piece of advice that I can receive to stay true to myself?
Someone asked:

on April 8, 2023 2:05 pm

Dear Fumi, do you think there’s any value in dating apps? The nature of my work keeps me pretty isolated from other people, and I’m the kind of person who has a difficult time making friends, let alone meeting potential romantic partners. Sometimes it seems like apps like Tinder and Hinge are the only way I can meet people
- Fumi replied:
  
  on January 30, 2024 7:06 pm
  
  I do not love apps, and resolved not to use them. My person found me in the right time without them, so I do not think they are necessary. That being said you may need to make added efforts to meet someone without the apps
- Fumi replied:
  
  on April 12, 2023 11:29 am
  
  I can’t knock them entirely because some people have enjoyed success using them. However, I recommend that you not rely on it as your primary source of meeting people. This will require you to be really creative with the way you meet people–professional development conferences, through friends, pursuing in person activities and opportunities that relate to your interests–but I feel most people will be better served by this approach. In many ways, I believe online dating is harder because it is inherently low effort and lends itself to taking people out of context–which makes deception more likely. For this reason, you need to set clear and unwavering standards from the beginning, and be really intentional about holding the men you meet to those standards. You also need to have very strong boundaries, and resist the urge to compromise.
Someone asked:

on April 7, 2023 10:00 pm

You’ve mentioned that you’ve dated casually while celibate. How do I say that to a guy? “I’m not looking for anything serious but I am also not looking for hookups”? I want to be taken out—wine, dined, pursued
- Fumi replied:
  
  on April 12, 2023 11:32 am
  
  I did not feel the need to explain myself to men I just met. You do not need to ask to be wined, dined, and pursued–you just ignore anyone who is not doing that, and invest your time and energy in the men who will. I also did not feel the need to disclose my boundaries about physical intimacy until the man was a serious contender for a committed relationship–this was usually no earlier than a month after we started dating, sometimes even a few months in. If a man raises the issue earlier, I would simply say that I am not ready. Let go of the idea that you have a duty to explain yourself to strangers, and take the pressure off of yourself to make them understand your journey.
Someone asked:

on April 6, 2023 3:29 pm

Fumi, I’ve been watching you for a long time now and you’re videos are the only thing keeping me standing right now. I just broke up with my best friend, my soulmate 2 days before our 1 year anniversary. I’ve always felt like we were not in the same level. I’m 22 and he’s 30 and I felt like he was struggling to be where I wanted him to be. He’s not stable in his life and I just feel so ugly inside to leave him like that even though I’m just following my intuition we had a strong love and connection that I’ve never had before and the last argument we had, was about my standards of a provider because he has always paid for everything but I noticed he stop paying for my things and sometimes even ask me (“as a joke”) If I was going to pay. I felt that that was a red flag so I confronted him about it and said he’ll become the provider I wanted him to be but he’s not stable financially. So I decided to part ways. Now I feel ugly and mad inside because in a way I feel materialistic and selfish
- Fumi replied:
  
  on April 12, 2023 11:36 am
  
  Changes like that are red flags, especially if he did not take the time to explain his situation to you before he switched up. As you said, you are following your intuition–so you should trust that. If you let the negative feelings take you back there, you’ll only be wasting time and it will be much harder to leave the second time around. I encourage clients to process their emotions on paper in a way that helps to ground their decisions, and I think you would benefit from doing the same.
Someone asked:

on April 6, 2023 7:39 am

Dear Fumi, I have no idea how to happily combine having a demanding corporate job and dating, let alone creating a family. Oftentimes I have neither time nor energy to even go on a date or meet with a friend. But I want to create a family one day. But I also need to be financially secure and it feels like in this economy we can’t provide for ourselves with just casual not-so-demanding jobs anymore. It’s not that I don’t see any examples of women who are both “girl-bossing” in a corporate world and have a family. It’s just that these women I see are always either rushing somewhere or tired instead of being present, relaxed and feminine. What do I do?