Dear Fumi | by fumi

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Answers So Far..

Someone asked:

on April 4, 2023 12:54 pm

So I got approached by a guy today, he was foward, polite and we had a decent conversation, We exchanged socials, and He offered to walk me to class. I don’t know what to do especially since he is a year younger than me. I don’t know how to feel about younger guys. I’m still getting to know him though.
Someone asked:

on April 4, 2023 10:24 am

Hey big sis, What is your advice on holding standards and keeping faith when the statistics aren’t in your favour? For context: I’m a newly qualified lawyer who has just returned home. After close to a decade of navigating singleness, celibacy (bar, a year-long bout of unsuccessful dating and hooking up) and healing, I finally feel grounded and prepared to commit to a relationship leading to marriage. The issue I face is that I live in a small-ish Third World country, and I have always been told that finding a man of the caliber that I pray for is only possible if I move back overseas. The rationale is that all the well-educated, kind and attractive men from my country have emigrated. The men that I have spoken to, have told me that my achievements are intimidating and that they “don’t feel good enough for [me].” I don’t feel that I have to change continents to find the right partner; however, the lack of prospects is gradually eroding my hope. Please advise, sis. I gratefully await your response.
- Fumi replied:
  
  on April 12, 2023 11:39 am
  
  There is a lot of what you heard, and what people are saying, but what is your intuition telling you. Every woman has God given intuition, that is never wrong. Before I met my partner, I had insight into how and when I would meet him and so that kept me from running around, exhausting myself through pointless trial and error. I know it is daunting to think that all the men of caliber have fled the country, but tap into your intuition and do as it is telling you. I have a feeling that you know deep down what you ought to do. And if you are led to stay where you are, remind yourself that while there may not be an abundance of options–when it comes to a man to marry, you only need one.
Someone asked:

on April 4, 2023 10:23 am

Hey big sis, What is your advice on holding standards and keeping faith when the statistics aren’t in your favour? For context: I’m a newly qualified lawyer who has just returned home. After close to a decade of navigating singleness, celibacy (bar, a year-long bout of unsuccessful dating and hooking up) and healing, I finally feel grounded and prepared to commit to a relationship leading to marriage. The issue I face is that I live in a small-ish Third World country, and I have always been told that finding a man of the caliber that I pray for is only possible if I move back overseas. The rationale is that all the well-educated, kind and attractive men from my country have emigrated. The men that I have spoken to, have told me that my achievements are intimidating and that they “don’t feel good enough for [me].” I don’t feel that I have to change continents to find the right partner; however, the lack of prospects is gradually eroding my hope. Please advise, sis. I gratefully await your response.
Someone asked:

on April 4, 2023 6:05 am

Dear Fumi, Do you believe it is alright for your partner to go out and have dinner/drinks with a girlfriend?
Someone asked:

on April 3, 2023 5:53 pm

Hey, I want to say thank you, first and foremost. I’ve been talking to this guy, and now things are getting more serious. He’s been consistent with his intentions forever while I have been doing my own thing. Now I think both of us are ready to take the next step soon. He’s in school and he has about a year left. He’s always supported me without asking for anything in return. He’s in school for a specific career in stem that starts with a letter E. He’s struggling financially. Would I be crazy for helping him out so he can focus on what’s important. I look at it as he’s someone I’m probably going to be with for a very long time, and it ultimately would better both of us in the long run. I just can’t tell now if I’m being crazy.
- Maha replied:
  
  on April 4, 2023 9:56 pm
  
  Two things: 1. When it comes to lending/giving money, I always say only give it out if you would not mind never getting it back. Do not give past this point. 2. When it comes to how much you want to invest in someone, I also say to ask yourself: would you feel good about your decision to give if the expected outcome for your relationship did not ultimately pan out? For example, if you give this guy money/support him financially, and he decides to be with someone else after the fact, would you feel used or taken advantage of? If so, then do not do it. If you cannot give freely, expecting and requiring nothing in return…then it is best not to give at all. . . . If you would like one on one time with me to discuss further, please see my coaching options here: https://www.mahamaven.com/product-category/11-coaching-packages/
Someone asked:

on March 27, 2023 7:43 pm

Any advice for a 23 yr old who absolutely hates her job and doesn’t see a way out? I’ve had a couple corporate jobs now and I’ve just hated them. I eventually want to get my masters and go into another field but for now I feel so stuck working 40+ hours a week at a soulless place wasting my life lol
- Maha replied:
  
  on April 4, 2023 9:59 pm
  
  If I were you, I would reach out to make a list of jobs you think would be better suited and reach out to mentors to ask them about your background and the possibility of transitioning. I would also reach out to any alumni, or other people in your network, who are currently stationed in positions of interest to you. Do some informational interviews, and then circle back with your mentors to discuss options. Be bold, and take risks–you are young enough to do so. Do not fall into the trap of doubling down on something you know that you do not enjoy, simply because you do not know what to do next. . . . If you would like one on one time with me to discuss further, please see my coaching options here: https://www.mahamaven.com/product-category/11-coaching-packages/
Someone asked:

on March 26, 2023 6:10 pm

I went on a date with a guy on Saturday. I asked him. It went well, we had fun and got to know each other a lot, even talked deep and opened up (both sides). The next day we hung out with friends (we’re in the same friendship circle) and he ignored me ALL. DAY. Avoided me. Openly flirted with other girls in front of me. I was gobsmacked. Moving forward I know I don’t want to be his friend anymore and I’m intending to just give him the same energy and ignore him too, but as we hang out so often with our friends I’m wondering what do I do if he brings up the fact I’m ignoring him? Thanks x
Someone asked:

on March 24, 2023 6:21 pm

Hi Fumi, I love your page and the advice you give as it makes me realise my power and control. I’m 22 and I’m just finding it hard to establish a connection with people that fall between friendship and relationship status and this is really affecting my mood. In my most recent situation, I found myself connecting deeply and romantically with a like-minded person mostly through conversations, sexual encounters, and what I thought was a healthy relationship with loads of communication. We initially agreed that we weren’t ready for a relationship and later agreed that we should focus on friendship but following another sexual interaction, I communicated that I needed some distance because the constant on-and-off felt like constant rejection and was beginning to affect my mental health. I thought that this would help preserve any opportunity for a platonic relationship between us but he reacted by blocking me and avoiding me in person. What do you think of this? What do I do in this situation and how do I avoid it next time?
- Maha replied:
  
  on April 4, 2023 10:13 pm
  
  It is important to set boundaries around varying levels of intimacy and vulnerability, and stick to them throughout–no matter how much you like the guy. It is also important to remember that you are single until you both have a conversation, and expressly agree that you are in an exclusive relationship with a title. From what you have said, it appears that the sexual encounters may be something that you may want to consider reserving for a committed relationship–the feelings of rejection are likely due to the fact that you, on some level, expected these encounters to move the relationship forward. When they did not, you felt rejected. As for what to do here, I would say take some time to heal and figure out what you want your boundaries to be. I would definitely recommend cutting your losses with this guy, and moving on to someone else. He has made his intentions clear, and they will not change. If you would like one on one time with me to discuss further, please see my coaching options here: https://www.mahamaven.com/product-category/11-coaching-packages/
Someone asked:

on March 24, 2023 6:10 pm

Dear, Fumi, I’ve been in one past toxic relationship in highschool ( I’m 21 atm ) that I’ve learned a lot from but I often romanize men when dating and create the type of person that I think they are and daydream about all these unrealistic situations and in the end they aren’t who I thought the were because I never payed attention to the red flags and who they actually are . I just realized this fact about my self do you know anyways that could help me stop romanizing men/people? Another thing that I tend to do with men when they like me or ask me out is I guess you can say put them on a pedestal where I think that they are better than me or out of my league and can’t see why they like me when they could get someone better than me or better looking . I don’t know if I just have low self esteem or what it is but I wanted to know if you have any advice for me .
Someone asked:

on March 24, 2023 2:49 pm

I am 23 years old and been into relationships were I lost myself my self worth I always fall for words and instant connection makes my expectations go very high I am a hopeless romantic which makes me feel like I love to deeply and men take me for granted I don’t wanna hope for finding my soulmate anymore but how to remove that hope or be practical enough to raise my standards