Dear Fumi

dear fumi

Tell me everything 👀

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Answers So Far..

  • Someone asked:
    Hi Fumi, I officially ended things with my ex a couple of weeks back after an incident where i felt unsafe by his actions and presence. I come from very spiritual family and my mother along with our pastor seem to believe that despite what i went through it is an attack from the devil. Lol I feel ridiculous typing this but as an African and someone who also believes in God I would really like to get your opinion on this. I am still being urged to give my relationship with him another shot and frankly I'm over it. I have been over it for a very long time. I guess my question is how do i combine spirituality and dating and how do I get everyone off my back. They seem to be of the belief that if I don't marry this guy, I'm never going to have a happy and successful relationship or life. Please advice, thank you!
  • Someone asked:
    Dear Fumi, despite being completely against it, I cheated on my last boyfriend. I’ve since ended the relationship and taken the time to figure out why I did such a terrible thing. It boils down to a low self esteem and being externally validated. I’ve worked on healing this part of me so it never happens again. But I can’t help but feel a kind of apprehension about future relationships. How do I date without fear? Especially when there’s a track record to make that fear kind of valid.
  • Someone asked:
    Hi Fumi, my ex and I broke up back in November(I broke it off), no animosity on my end. I reached out to him to ask him about work related stuff and he was a bit hostile. I do not understand why he would treat me so bad even when the break up was not bad. What do you think could be the reason that he is acting this way? Oh he left me on read when I sent him a message later that day asking if he was able to get me the information I had spoken to him about earlier on
  • Someone asked:
    I’m feeling pretty burnt out with dating. Thankfully I’ve set some strong boundaries as far as no men allowed at my house and no sleep overs. No rides to or from my house unless we’ve established over a month of consistent dating. This has weeded out a lot of people, or at least shown me an early red flag if they try and press that boundary. I don’t think lonely is the right word to describe how I feel. I have a very busy career, great healthy friendships and I’m becoming more financially stable as someone under 30. However I think I am feeling discouraged with the options I’ve encountered. Thankfully I’ve been able to pick up on things before we get too deep. I struggle with dealing with a lot of married men (who I don’t know are married and I even ask repeatedly and have been shown divorce decree excerpts only for them to be fake). I take it slow, ask the right questions as far as ascertaining someone’s values and making sure they align with mine and really try to do my due diligence in being upfront with communication, letting the man lead and see if they can handle it. However after about a month in there always ends up being some crazy deal breaker, between double lives, exes still in the picture, a history with women inappropriately young (19 when they’re 35+) and even one person getting picked up on a warrant. Between these experiences and that I have a past experience with someone for 9yrs and an engagement that was broken apart by infidelity and so much more came to light once we were no longer on good terms. He was cheating at our wedding walk through/tasting while we were picking out our order of events My question is how do you not get discouraged about 1) the dating pool being filled with so many awful men and 2) that there are men out there who will stand in who they are and aren’t just faking their way through the dating experience
  • Someone asked:
    Dear Fumi! I want to begin by saying I enjoy watching your content! I am a 25 year old Hispanic woman currently resetting myself, finishing my bachelors and working full-time at a luxury dealership in the interim. I have been in a relationship for two years with this great man, he is 27 years old (white) and we met at my previous job. However, my bf struggled with a rough childhood where he had to take care of his family due to an absent father and also help around with the finances (lives with mother and two younger sisters). The issue with that is that he had to give 10k away to his Father and his father never paid him back and he is not making enough money at his job plus his mother is head of household and is also struggling financially. However, the issue is is that he has been projecting those fears and frustrations on me with remarks about how my mother and aunt work part-time while their husbands work full-time and that he doesn't want to be with a partner that works part-time at a luxury dealership and taken care of financially. A little context behind, this hurt me deeply because that was not my life story and that is not what I am working for. I grew up with a single mother who worked her butt off to keep me happy and supply everything I needed. Luckily, she re married a wonderful man that wants to take care of her. On the other hand, I am finishing school later in life due to having to take off time to work to help pay bills and dealing with an abusive relationship that held me back. My partner apologized to me and regretted the things he said to me with the excuse that he is getting deeper in the relationship with me the which he had questions and is considering me a life-partner. Moreover, I am having second thoughts and feeling like I am carrying his cross. I am financially not where I want to be and I am actively working on my future endeavors. Finishing my bachelors degree in business school has motivated but I have been feeling devalued as a person and a woman for not making enough money at my age and feeling compared to his friend group. I love this man to pieces because he has done amazing things for me but his situation at home and mindset have me second guessing and I do not wish to deal with his burden or feel like I am not enough for not making enough money or not having for a house downpayment. I would appreciate some advice, I feel like I have this enormous pressure and self-doubt. Thank you and God bless!
  • Someone asked:
    Dear Fumi I am a 31 year old woman who feels a bit out of balance with dating in the modern world. My personal way of dating is simple: one person at the time and 1) if I do not believe that the person is right for me - i end it 2) if I believe that they are right - I continue. However, it is somehow difficult for me, emotionally, to date someone I like, who I know continues to date others. I personally do not put a label on anything untill I am comfortable and that feels right, and that takes a while.. I want to be friends with the person first and truely get to know them which I believe can easily take 6+ months ..but I also do know instantly if this is someone I feel attraction towards and If want to invest time getting to know them, and then it is hard knowing that the other person still wants to explore their options and keep seeing other women. I once dated a guy who did made it clear after our first date, that he did not want to date others, as he wanted to get to know me and wanted that as his focus - I felt the same and that was honestly the best relationship I have ever had. I do feel my way of approaching love is respectful and allows a foundation to be build on what I see as true partnership. But I also see it does not really work with the dating scene and I somehow get sad. I keep telling myself I am not searching for a man, but my man, and that single man will have same values and mindset as me.. but perhaps I am approaching it wrong and as I respect you alot, I would like to hear your thoughts. Much much muuuch love from me
  • Someone asked:
    Dear Fumi I am a 31 year old woman who feels a bit out of balance with dating in the modern world. My personal way of dating is simple: one person at the time and 1) if I do not believe that the person is right for me - i end it 2) if I believe that they are right - I continue. However, it is somehow difficult for me, emotionally, to date someone I like, who I know continues to date others. I personally do not put a label on anything untill I am comfortable and that feels right, and that takes a while.. I want to be friends with the person first and truely get to know them which I believe can easily take 6+ months ..but I also do know instantly if this is someone I feel attraction towards and If want to invest time getting to know them, and then it is hard knowing that the other person still wants to explore their options and keep seeing other women. I once dated a guy who did made it clear after our first date, that he did not want to date others, as he wanted to get to know me and wanted that as his focus - I felt the same and that was honestly the best relationship I have ever had. I do feel my way of approaching love is respectful and allows a foundation to be build on what I see as true partnership. But I also see it does not really work with the dating scene and I somehow get sad. I keep telling myself I am not searching for a man, but my man, and that single man will have same values and mindset as me.. but perhaps I am approaching it wrong and as I respect you alot, I would like to hear your thoughts. Much much muuuch love from me
  • Someone asked:
    Hi Fumi, I have a freidngroup -nearly all males I'm female. We started of as a studygroup but became very close. I enjoyed being with one of them a lot. we became really good friends and before I knew it I was in a situationship. I ended it few days directly afterwards but he convinced me to stay, again and again. I didn’t want to tell the other ones in the beginning since I wouldn’t be a friend to them anymore, I would be his girlfriend in their eyes and if things ended badly, I’d just be a chic and ‚it’s bros over hoes‘. I didn’t wanted the friendship to them to change. In the end: they found out, it got complicated and messy, friendships somehow (?) ended (well at least for me) but I was still good with the situationshipguy I set a boundary of not seeing each other for some time. he overstepped a few times. than after a month he overdtepped again, when I was alone at home, wanting to ‚turn back time’ and i guess make out or more -although that’s where I initially drew the line. He always told me he didnt feel like we were in relationship referring to the physical part and that we didn’t take it to the next step although he knew I would never do that. And we discussed this then again. He wanted to remain friends I was perplexed by the whole thing so I just agreed but especially even after the last part it is very hard for me to just remain friends. Maybe because it wasn’t a clean cut or because I haven’t forgiven myself for doing all of the thing and letting them be done although I wasn’t really ok with them. I felt and still feel a lot of shame, unease and anger and I don’t think I’m capable of a friendship with him anymore. The same counts for the other ‚friends‘ of the studygroup. The big problem is It’s very difficult to avoid them. And I don’t know what to do. I like them but I feel betrayed and I don’t want to see HIM but again they like him a lot and would chose him over me every time. I feel helpless so if you would know anything Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
  • Someone asked:
    Dear Fumi, I’m with my boyfriend nearly since a whole year. He likes the traditional ways what I don’t mind as my parents are very strict and conservative. In the beginning he brought me every time flowers and paid everything when we were out now he only some and then pays or brings me flowers. He often makes promises that he will buy me for this occasion sth (e.g. sneakers) yet the promises remained empty. He gets angry real quick when things don’t go his way when it’s about going on vacation with my friends or partying or just cutting my long hair. I guess it partly comes from him being one of the BIGGEST overthinkers I know. He’s 4 years older than me and wants to marry me as soon as possible and he’s ready to wait for me until I finish my university. He’s a good guy we talk nearly all the time but there are little things that bother me. Especially since I know that I have options. Sometimes I think about ending it but then again i feel silly and I’m not sure if I really want to end it or I’m maybe just bored. It’s my first relationship and I love him I just don’t know wether he is the right one for me. I want to marry only once and I made a deadline to be in a relationship for max a year and then I have to decide wether he is the one or not since I don’t want to waste my time. Do I fix the things that bother me, do I just accept it and act like it’s no big deal or do I end it? And how? I dont want to mess it up so I’m thankful for any advice you have.
  • Someone asked:
    With a 4 year age gap with one’s partner. I fear getting disapproval for marrying my partner when I turn 25(f).